I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. In all honesty, I think they’re something Weight Watchers made up to boost subscriptions.

Every January, without fail, I suddenly hear people talking about how much they’ve worked out and how much weight they’ve lost already. That’s great, but every February it suddenly stops. It’s obvious why: You’re still a little pudgy, so why not just eat some cake and take a break? Well, that’s not good for you and it’s definitely not fun for me. I want you to keep talking, tweeting and just generally updating me on your failures.

Riding the high of being praised for those couple pounds you dropped is great motivation at first, but when things slow down most people don’t have any motivation to keep going. That’s where public shame comes in. If I had to hear about every single salad you ate you OWE ME all the juicy details about that entire king cake working its way through your colon. More importantly, you owe it to yourself.

Think about it: Would you rather your parents yell at you or be genuinely disappointed in you? Disappointment hurts. A lot. Use it.

I know I’ve only mentioned losing weight as a resolution, but this method works for everything. It’s not just about pointing out how fat you are, it’s about pointing out how you still reek of cigarettes, are too stupid to read for class and how your liver is going to give out if you even step into another bar.

It’s not as mean as it sounds either. This should be welcome criticism. There are plenty of people that will never give up smoking, eating unhealthily, drinking crazily or ignoring their homework because that’s who they are and they love it. That’s cool, more power to you. But if you’re part of the resolutioner-crowd who thinks they need to change, then you’d better start looking for criticism before you start relapsing.

I’m not just saying this as a bully either (don’t get me wrong, making fun of people is way more fun than it should be). I’ve got my own resolutions. I’m finally getting into better shape and I’m not planning on missing a single reading assignment this year. Unfortunately for me, it’s king cake season and I swear to God I can smell that frosting from across campus and track it down like truffle hog. Fortunately though, every time I’m king cake bound I get my love handles poked by just about everyone I know. One of my friends actually pinched my cheek and called me “Chubby Bubby” while I was looking at desserts in the cafeteria. I’m a grown man damn it. It’s brutal (and a little demeaning), but I’ve been sticking to my resolution this year better than I ever have in my life because of it.

So don’t just open yourself up to criticism, beg for it. It’ll keep you on track just to prove those jerks wrong. Do it for yourself, but more importantly do it for me because I’ve been sitting on all these fat jokes for years.

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